The Rules for Setting up Your Profile
The Rules for Setting up Your Dating Profile
#BurnTheHaystack
Depending on the platform you’re using (some allow for more text than others), write a specific and concrete profile. Here is a link to one that worked really well for me (this was on Match.com), but yours has to work really well for you. I’m primarily a humor writer, so I wanted to showcase that skillset because it’s really important to me in a partnership. Try to think about what’s essential to you. Is it faith? Go with that. Is it family? Make that clear. Is it engaging in healthy and vigorous debate? Etc.
Some tips: Avoid cliches. No “fun-loving,” no “seizing the day,” no “living life to the fullest,” no “up for adventures,” etc. Go easy on the exclamation points. Be brutally honest and entirely direct and transparent. If your goal is to be married, then SAY it. If you’re not into traveling, SHARE that. If you hate exercising, put it right in your profile. If you’re a feminist, by all means own it; feminism is a FANTASTIC weeder-outer! Same for being “demisexual” (I address this in the video).No goofy profile pics. No crazy filters. No bunny ears. No “I’m down for anything” poses or outfits (unless you are, but in that case I bet you’re not in this group). I would post no more than 5 pictures, and they should realistically look exactly how you look right now. At least one should be a fairly closeup of your face. Remember that it’s far more powerful to show up on a date looking better than you did in your pics. This destabilizes men because they’re used to the opposite, lol.
A primary rule of effective rhetoric: Don’t tell people what or what not to do; tell them what YOU are going to do or not do. Example: Don’t write something like this in your profile: “You need to treat me like a queen, appreciate me when I look like a troll, and make me laugh.” INSTEAD, write something like this: “I’m a feminist who doesn’t mind having a door held for me, I’m a hard-negative on Botox, and I believe sense of humor trumps everything else.”
More here soon! :)
The Rules for Profile Management (Rules #1-#3)
Rule 1: The app is a tool; it’s not a place to live. Most apps do require you to do some amount of scrolling/swiping and matching/liking in order to get started; TRY TO MINIMIZE THAT IN TERMS OF TIME. For example, I spend no more than 5 minutes per day in these tasks, and I do it only once per day. Apps are gamified to keep you on them all day, but Burned Haystack Method requires you to resist that.
Rule 2: Focus on messaging over scrolling/swiping. Messaging is where you’ll find the info. you really need. Only engage with personalized messages that are worth responding to, and only respond in kind. For example, if someone says “Hi,” your response should be “Hi.” Do not take crumbs of communication and serve up a buffet in response. Refer to the Burned Haystack “Hierarchy of Messaging” graphic for more info. on this. Personally, I rarely send the first message, but that’s an individual choice.
Rule 3: No notifications.
FAQs about rules 1-3:
Q: Why is it so important to minimize time spent scrolling and swiping?
A: Primarily, because it’s depressing and demoralizing.
Q: Why shouldn’t I send the first message?
A: There’s already a severe imbalance of emotional labor in the world, and women are carrying the majority of it. If a man takes the time to actually read your profile and send you a respectful and thoughtful message that facilitates a meaningful exchange, then he’s indicating he has relationship potential; THIS is the only kind of messaging with which you should engage.
Q: What constitutes a “personalized message”?
A: One: It’s nicely and respectfully written. I’m not saying that you should count someone out because of a typo, but if the entire message is a grammatical disaster, then yes, you should count that one out. Two: It references something specific from your profile and engages with it in a way that appeals to you AND generates a dialogue; this indicates you’re dealing with a man who can uphold his side of the conversation AND is interested in knowing something about you.
“Hey” is not a personalized message. Neither is “You’re beautiful” or “You have a great smile.” Men write these sentences once and then copy and paste them into hundreds of women’s profiles; these messages have nothing to do with you.
Q: Why no notifications?
A: Primarily, it’s not good for your mental health. Pragmatically, it’s an unnecessary time-suck and distraction. Responding immediately to every piece of attention from a man communicates desperation, low-self-worth, and lack of boundaries. Much more on all of this to come . . .
Q: If I only engage with nicely-written, personalized messages, aren’t I going to meet FAR fewer men, have far fewer dates, and take far longer to meet good matches?
A: Yes, probably. But not necessarily. When I started using this method, what happened was that instead of juggling 25 different men engaging at various levels from “viewing” to “winking” to “favoriting” to messaging, I was instead managing perhaps 2 or 3 conversations that were actually worth having. Upcoming rules will address how to manage messaging.
The Rules for Profile Management Ctd. (Rule #4)
Rule #4 is called “Block to Burn.”
Rule #4 is so important it gets its own video and post. Blocking is the super power and secret weapon of burning the haystack.
When I first started using dating apps, I reserved blocking for men who behaved badly. This seemed fair to me because blocking someone sounds like a punitive measure.
But once I started consciously burning the haystack, I realized that blocking is the most efficient way to clear the field (is this metaphor getting mixed? I hope not).
Let’s think in terms of actually burning an actual haystack for a moment. If you were to set a match to a haystack with the intention of burning it to find the needle, you’d want the entire haystack to burn down to the ground, making it really easy to spot the needle; you wouldn’t want it to just burn it halfway, leaving you to dig through scattered burnt hay and piles of ashes.
If you keep men you’re not interested in circulating through your accounts—even if they’ve done nothing wrong—that’s what you’re doing. You’re not really burning the haystack so much as moving little parts of it to the side, but the hay keeps blowing around and back into your way, making it hard to see the needle. Are you with me?
So this is how you “block to burn”: you’re already not swiping or scrolling, so I’m not asking you to go through all your matches just to block men. We’re talking about men who’ve contacted you via message. You’ll have to figure out your own system, but basically, unless it’s a “hard yes,” it’s a “hard no.” You need to Marie Kondo these guys. If their messages don’t spark joy, block them.
Here’s a rough explanation of how I personally have “blocked to burn”: If I get “hey” or “you’re hot” messages or the like, automatic block; I want these guys out of my way. If I get a message that’s off-putting in any way whatsoever—sexual, aggressive, defensive, just weird, etc.: BLOCK. This goes without saying.
But what if you get a message that’s just “blah”? That’s up to you. You could respond once or twice and see if it gets any more compelling (it probably won’t; if a man leads with blah he’s probably not going to become radically more appealing after that – most people worth engaging with lead with their best).
But let’s say you do respond just to be nice or to give the guy a chance (personally, I wouldn’t; “blah first message” = “block” for me). But let’s say you’re more tolerant than I am: if you do choose to respond and doesn’t get a LOT better in the next couple exchanges, then block him. You don’t need to worry that this is mean; chances are he won’t even notice, or if he does he’ll just think you’re no longer on the app—people don’t get notified when they’re blocked on any app (at least not to my knowledge).
And last, a very practical reason to block swiftly: Dating apps recycle matches. If you’re not interested in someone, you don’t need to be presented with him over and over—this is a waste of your time, and it clutters your experience. Remember that our whole goal is to burn the whole haystack to the ground in order to find the needle.
The Rules for Profile Management:Rules 5-7
Rule #5: No Fighting with Men
First, I get it. I’ve done it. They say mean or irritating or just stupid things and you feel compelled to defend yourself, call out their bullshit, or correct them. It’s human nature. Don’t do it. BLOCK THEM IMMEDIATELY. Engaging with this is a waste of your time. Discipline yourself not to. That’s all I have to say on this rule.
Rule #6: Don’t Be a Pen Pal
This is a real problem on dating apps. You enter a conversation with a man and the conversation seems promising. But then it never goes anywhere. You just keep trading message after message, and there’s nothing really wrong with the exchange (or it might even be a really great exchange), but it’s not moving toward meeting in real life.
I think you need to set a limit on this. My limit was one week. If I’d been messaging back and forth with a man for a week and he didn’t move it toward meeting, I blocked him.
There are caveats to this: if he’s out of town, if he’s taking care of a sick kid, if he’s volunteering overseas for Doctors Without Borders (lol, I would NEVER believe this one, this is humor), then okay. But if there’s some legit reason he hasn’t moved the exchange toward meeting, then he will tell you that, and he’ll tell you clearly, because he won’t want to risk letting you get away. Don’t give men the benefit of the doubt on this,; don’t delude yourself into thinking they’re shy, or they’re trying not to rush you, or they’re busy, etc. etc. etc. If a man is genuinely interested in you, he will figure out how to orchestrate meeting you in real life. And if he can’t (for whatever reason: he’s underconfident, he’s super passive, whatever), then you don’t want him anyway.
A question I get about this rule is this: “But shouldn’t I give him a warning or one more chance before I just block him?” I wouldn’t. I mean you can if you want, I guess, but I think this sets up a destructive dynamic that looks like this: “You just sit back. I’ll do all the emotional labor in this relationship. In fact, I’ll do all the labor-labor in this relationship too. I’ll manage both of our schedules and plan our first date.” Women fall into this pattern with men all the time, and it’s exhausting. It’s also pointless, in my opinion. So give him a week and, unless there’s some clear reason to keep it going (and again, if that’s the case he will TELL you and it will ring genuine), block him.
Final word: Every man I’ve ever met on an app who was worth dating moved the conversation off the app and into real life in less than one week.
Rule #7: Set your geography, but don’t share your location.
I feel strongly about this. Do you know who chooses male-female pairings based upon location? Animals. Wild animals. Wild animals decide whom to mate with by looking around their immediate area and seeing who’s there. This is the premise of Tinder and other hookup apps; it’s not the way to find someone who wants to learn about you and grow with you into a mature, committed relationship. Go ahead and set your geographic boundaries (those of you in small towns or rural areas might have to be willing to expand those boundaries considerably in order to get decent matches), but disable the location sharing option on your apps. Not sharing location is a great form of “burning the haystack” because it’ll weed out a lot of men who just want to hookup.
The Rules for Profile Management: Rule #8
This is another rule that gets its own post; it’s super important, and it’s somewhat complex, so here we go:
Rule #8: No “ludic looping” and no “attractions of deprivation” (these are related concepts in the sphere of dating). I’ll explain . . .
First, ludic looping: Natasha Schull, a cultural anthropologist and professor at MIT, has done a lot of work on ludic loops, which are a video gaming pattern observed in which a game has no plot development, no character development, no narrative arc, no beginning, no end --- in other words, it’s a LOT like online dating. The experience of endless swiping creates a simple stimulas-response pattern that releases dopamine (the feel-good hormone) even in a total absence of reward. This is the exact same phenomenon that keeps people playing slot machines for hours on end—even the anticipation of a reward becomes a reward itself on a neurological level.
This patten is *intentionally* built into dating apps such as Tinder and the like, which are designed to keep you hooked in almost nonstop.
Dr. Michael Merzenich, a neuroscientist and professor at UCSF, also explains how the simple act of swiping triggers dopamine release and creates a “chemical positive.” You can listen to his discussion in the podcast linked below, but the important takeaway is that Tinder knows this and perpetuates it; the goal is NOT to find you a good match as quickly as possible. Tinder defines “success” as “more members having more conversations,” but that’s success FOR TINDER, not for people who are truly hoping to find a partner (I’m bashing Tinder because it’s the worst and there’s the most info. on these topics in relation to Tinder, but all dating apps have this effect. This is the primary reason for my “no swiping no scrolling” rule).
Avoiding ludic looping is about refusing to become a victim of the app, but people can draw us into a similar destructive pattern, and it’s equally important to guard against in app-based dating. The concept is called “attractions of deprivation,” and I’m linking you to two resources to explain it below. I am betting that this concept will resonate with nearly 100% of people who’ve managed to hit the age of 30 or above. After you read the resources, I think these are the important things you need to remember as they pertain to dating:
Getting sucked into ludic loops and AODs (attractions of deprivation) is NOT your fault. You are a human being with a human brain, and human brains are susceptible to such things. HOWEVER, human brains are ALSO capable of understanding how these things work, and this is knowledge that can help protect us from falling victim.
We must use that knowledge. All of this is tied into the concept of intermittent reward systems and their potential to both create obsession and to sustain abuse; this has been well-documented in research on rats. The effect of intentionally doling out intermittent rewards is cruel and heartbreaking, but WE ARE NOT RATS.
That’s my final piece of advice about this: do not allow a digital app or a man to turn you into a desperate rat (also no judgement if it happens; we’ve all been there at one point or another, but let’s just try REALLY hard not to stay there or, ideally, not to get there in the first place. Okay I’m really done now).
https://josephgibson-63985.medium.com/avoid-attractions-of-deprivation-at-all-costs-675ddc605b47
Podcast on Tinder algorithm and design and ludic looping:
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/tinder-changed-the-game/id1465767420?i=1000593674554
Additional readings on ludic loops:
The Rules for Profile Management (rules # 9 and 10)
Rule #9: No men who can’t plan the date. I’m not saying that the man needs to handle 100% of date planning and/or that you should not weigh in. Of course, planning a first date together is probably ideal. Here’s what I’m suggesting you should guard against:
Man: Would you want to get together on Friday?
You: Sure, that sounds great!
Man: Awesome, let me know what you want to do!
OR, worse:
Man: Cool!
OR, worse yet:
Man: *crickets*
Here’s what’s happened here: he’s getting you to do all the labor (emotional and practical) before you’ve even met. I don’t think this gets much better. If you get any of these responses, I would simply wait it out. He’s asked, you’ve said yes, ball is in his court. You may never hear from him again, but if so you’ve just saved yourself what was almost certainly going to be wasted time. If he’s truly interested in you, and he asked you out and you kindly/enthusiastically accepted, then he will figure out how to orchestrate the next moves. At this point you’ve said “yes,” so we can’t give him the excuse of being insecure or uncertain or confused or whatever. Remember that men run companies and become brain surgeons and fly into space and build bridges; they are perfectly capable of planning a first date.
Here’s the kind of interaction you DO want to see:
Scenario 1:
Man: Would you want to get together on Friday?
You: Sure, that sounds great!
Man: Awesome! Do you prefer a coffee or dinner date for the first meeting?
[after this a collaborative dialogue develops and you jointly plan the date – this is ALL GOOD! 😊)
Scenario 2:
He offers up an entirely planned date and asks if it sounds good to you. If it does, then great! You’re good to go and he handled all the work of this date (obviously we are not expecting him to handle 100% of all date planning forever – just this first one). OR, it mostly sounds good to you but you want to modify something – maybe he suggested a barbecue place and you’re vegetarian. In that case, you tell him the date sounds great but how about this other restaurant instead? He’s cool with that, yay!! Also ALL GOOD! 😊
Either of these two scenarios suggest good things about this guy. It doesn’t ensure chemistry or a love connection, but it does suggest you’re dealing with a capable adult with good manners, and that’s HUGE in the world of online dating.
Here’s one other scenario that I think is rare, but let’s talk through it:
Scenario 3: He offers an entirely planned date and you hate it. I have a friend who met a man who suggested that for their first date they go to a video game arcade and then out for burgers. She’s a vegan who hates video games. She actually went, but it was a horrible date. If he offers something you hate, I would at least try to modify it. In my friend’s case, maybe she should’ve said, “Not a video game fan, but I’m willing to try it. Could we try a different restaurant though? I’m vegan.”
If he plans the date and you ask for a modification and he has ANY KIND OF BAD REACTION AT ALL – he gets angry or you suddenly don’t hear from him for days or he mocks you or his whole demeanor changes – cancel the date and block him. This is going to be a waste of your time at best and a truly horrible experience at worst. If he’s pissed at you PRIOR to Date One, it’s not going to get better from there. Cut your losses and move on.
The only acceptable response to someone asking for a modification to the first-date plan (of any gender) is to graciously and immediately respond positively and make the modification.
Everything related to Rule #9 is a great example of using language—people’s words and sentences—to analyze the likelihood/potential of their future behavior. Our whole purpose here is to use language to burn the haystack, so we have to actually do that: We cannot read the actual words and then assume he didn’t really mean to come across that way—it doesn’t matter; the words reveal his reality. Since this endeavor is aimed at merging YOUR reality with someone else’s, there’s no room to misjudge it. Read the words and burn the haystack.
Rule #10: Treat the process of online dating as a job search, not a takeout order. Here’s what I mean by that: the apps are definitely designed to feel more like ordering from Uber or Doordash; they’re offering nearly immediate gratification. But tacos and rides to the airport are inherently short-term things: you’ll be done within minutes, so there’s not much at stake. If you’re trying to meet a *human being*, with whom you’d ideally like to forge a lifelong commitment, you have to be willing to play a longer game.
The average job search for a professional position in 2023 takes 5 months, and honestly that’s pretty quick compared to historical data. If you were on the job market, you’d take a significant amount of time to write a resume and cover letter and start working your network, and then once you’d applied for multiple positions, you’d sit back and wait until you heard from someone offering you something that sounded like a good fit. You wouldn’t sit there staring at your e-mail inbox and then immediately agree to take a shitty job paying minimum wage. You’d probably be insulted that at this stage of your life someone even thought you would be interested. What you’d do instead is send out those applications and then walk away from the computer and do other things—whatever else you want to do in your life. You’d tell yourself that job-searching is a long and protracted process that involves myriad factors you can’t control, but you’ve done all the work and made all the connections necessary to kick it off and the right job for you will eventually come through. It happens exactly this way in real life all the time; I’m suggesting you should apply the same mentality to your dating life.
My Story of Burning the Haystack
I started intentionally using my academic background in rhetoric (and my more recent interests in humor writing!) on the dating apps about two years ago. The first article I wrote about that experience can be seen here (and many of you probably already saw it in the facebook group, albeit with a different cover pic. The original cover pic featured my boyfriend and me, which was fitting because that was the relationship the article addressed).
We are no longer together, and out of respect for Scott (his real name, already used in that article) I don’t want to go into too much detail. It’s also difficult in a research project—one that sprang from my own personal experience—to determine how much sharing is over-sharing and how much sharing is relevant to the project itself and to the other participants.
I do feel like I owe you all some degree of explanation, though, especially when it comes to differentiating between the success of the method and the failure of one relationship (and the word “failure” is debatable; we were together for nearly two years, and overall it was a wonderful experience—more on that below).
The method itself worked. In addition to Scott, I met a *lot* of other nice men who were far more datable and much more relationship-minded than I had before I started using it. Scott was the one I happened to choose, and I do wish the relationship had worked out, but in the end we just wanted different things. I was ready for us to move toward a more serious life partnership, and he wanted to continue a more casual dating relationship (still exclusive and monogamous, but not moving toward anything like co-habitation or marriage, which are things I knew I still eventually wanted).
That said, I can say that from using this method I met someone who was not only really fun, but honest, kind, responsible, and trustworthy. I don’t regret the time we spent together, and I think highly of him as a person. I also don’t think that he intentionally misled me or wasted my time or anything like that. We did have all “the talks” at the beginning of the relationship about what we wanted for our futures, and at that time we wanted the same things. Over the course of the relationship, his feelings changed, but that happens. I’ve certainly been in relationships where my feelings have changed, and in the end, we have control over a lot, but we certainly don’t get to control other people’s feelings and we can’t entirely control our own.
When I started the Burned Haystack project, I did not intend to be a research subject myself because Scott and I were still together. I’m now in a position where I’ll be throwing myself back in, which I’m not excited about, to be honest, but that’s why I now need my own method more than ever. I still want to meet the person I’ll spend the rest of my life with, like so many of you do, and I’m hoping to burn the haystack for good this time. This is the epitome of “high-stakes” research now, I guess. 😊
In the interest of providing a little more background, given everything I’ve just told you, I’m pasting in below two links (one audio and one video of the audio-capture, in case you want to see us) to a podcast Scott and I did during the summer of 2021 (in which we talk specifically about the conditions of our original pairing through my purposefully-crafted profile). That first article got a lot of attention and ended up on Reddit and TikTok and a few other places, and as a result the hosts of this podcast found us. I thought Scott was a good sport to be willing to do it so early in our relationship.
It’s probably also worthwhile here to say that, from day one, he conducted himself on the app in the way we’ve already described as ideal in terms of being a solid indicator of someone you might want to move forward with: He began our communication with a smart, funny, and respectful message that clearly indicated he’d read and appreciated my profile; he gave me his real name and occupation so I knew he was who he said he was; he asked me out within days and offered a really great first date plan that included coffee and a walk to a lighthouse and then turned into dinner because it was going so well. So there ARE men out there who will do all these things! :)
Links are below, and thanks for your time reading this --- Onward! 😊 #BurnTheHaystack
~Jennie
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qoakHT_pwso&t=556s
#BurnTheHaystack: My experience one week in . . .
As I previously wrote, it’s been two years since I used my own method. Of course, I hoped never to use it again because as far as I was concerned I had found my forever-person, but alas, I am back here burning the haystack.
And I am burning it like a woman with no remorse. I am a pyromaniac. Here’s what’s happening as a result of that:
First, I have almost no matches left to consider because I’ve burned almost all of them. I am currently using Hinge and Match. I hate Hinge (because it’s phone only and I’m too old to deal with a phone-only app, lol. Plus it doesn’t lend itself to boundary maintenance. Match is *only* on my computer, which makes it way easier not to check throughout the day). I only signed up for Hinge for one month and plan to delete it at the end of the month.
Back to the lack of matches: Of course I was inundated immediately upon joining both platforms (in my experience this is how all dating apps work—you get the most attention the first day or so). I blocked almost everyone on both platforms. I blocked one guy for “being 42.” Hahahahahaha, I realize it’s not his fault he’s 42, but I’m not interested in dating anyone that much younger than me. So: Block. In accordance with “the rules,” I’ve not been browsing people on either app, but if someone “likes” or messages me, I look at their profile and/or read their message. If their profile looks good and they’ve “liked” but not messaged, I “like” them back, but I don’t engage beyond that. If they don’t follow up with a message in a day or so, I just block them. I would guess that I’ve now blocked approximately 95% of the men who’ve liked/messaged me (because, as you all know, the messages generally range from vapid (“You have a great smile!”) to abusive (like the one I posted in the Facebook group the other day – if you didn’t see it, don’t worry about it; it wasn’t interesting).
Let’s talk good news for a moment. Here’s why I still like and believe in #burnthehaystack method:
1. I’ve blocked so many men that both apps are now truly very boring; there’s no one left to look at. I’m not even tempted to “check” them throughout the day because I already know there’s nothing there to see. That said, new people join the apps all the time, so if someone new comes along, I’m more likely to see/pay attention to him because I’ve burned all the other ones out of the way. And again, “blocking” means the apps don’t even have the option of recycling these guys, so they almost have to send me the new ones, and I’m almost certain to see them since I’ve burned everyone else out of the way.
2. Because of my wildly liberal willingness to burn, I’m currently left with only three men I’m interested in—two on Match and one on Hinge. They all seem genuinely worth engaging with. One of the Match guys has already asked me out and planned a decent-sounding date in my town (as opposed to his, which is about an hour away), which seems generous (or maybe he’s married, who knows at this point??). But anyway, what I’m saying is that so far he's doing all the things we’re all supposed to be expecting according to #BTH.
The other guy on Match I just connected with yesterday and have only exchanged a few messages, so that’s hard to predict yet.
The man on Hinge, whom I immediately identified/verified through LinkedIn (in my very non-population-dense geographic region, I can usually find people on LinkedIn with just a first name, a profession, and a city. I have zero qualms about doing this, and I’m always transparent about it – as soon as I have someone identified, I tell him about it; I do this for safety). Anyway, when I found him on LinkedIn, I discovered we had a mutual connection, and she’s actually a close friend of mine, so I called her. She gave him a glowing review. All of this promises nothing, of course, but we shall see. He and I are now communicating off Hinge because I know he’s trustworthy and safe.
3. I’m feeling quite content about the whole thing. Is #burnthehaystack method of dating exciting? NO!! It’s downright boring, lol, but that’s fine with me because I don’t want it to take all my time and energy anyway. I really love the whole “treat it like a job search” mandate of Rule #10. I’ve done a lot of job searching, and I understand the process: Do the best you can, put yourself out there, and then go back to your life. Eventually someone will connect. I would much rather spend a year living like this and meet one true match than go out on 50 terrible dates in between. At this point in my life, I’m very clear on what I want, which is a long-term partnership for the rest of my life—maybe marriage maybe not, still on the fence about that—but I don’t want to just keep dating. So, I’m only dedicating time and energy to people that at least fall within that realm of possibility.
Take care, friends. Be safe, be kind to yourself, and burn away!!
#BurnTheHaystack Pro Tip: Translate it to Non-dating Real Life Scenarios
Imagine this: You’re in the produce section of the grocery store picking out some vegetables when a man you don’t know approaches you and says “Hey” and then continues to just stand there staring at you. What would you do? What if he said, “You’re gorgeous” or “You have a great smile” and then just continued to stare at you? You’d probably simply get away from him. Maybe you’d call security.
Try this one: You go to a party and are introduced to a woman who’s a friend of the host’s. In order to make her feel more comfortable, you ask her some friendly questions – “Does she live in town or is she visiting? What kind of work does she do? Does she have any summer travel plans?” Now imagine that she answers all of these questions and then just looks at you expectantly waiting for your next question. She doesn’t ask you a single thing about yourself. Are you likely to want to spend more time with this woman? Do you want her to be your best friend?
In either of these cases, would you take it upon yourself to try to “coach” either of these two people into appropriate adult interactions?
Would you ask yourself, “Is this normal, or is it me? Am I the one who’s the problem here?”
I don’t think you would do either of those things. I think you’d accept that you had an unfortunate encounter with a selfish weirdo and you’d do whatever was necessary to prevent that selfish weirdo from wasting any more of your time. You probably wouldn’t even give it much thought other than to acknowledge and affirm your own annoyance.
I’m suggesting you use this little thought exercise (we call it a “heuristic” in academic-speak) to decide whether you want to spend time engaging with a man on a dating app, especially once it turns into a messaging conversation: If it would be weird or off-putting or boring or offensive in real life, then it is all those things in the dating app, and you need to block this person immediately.
I think I understand why we get sucked into these go-nowhere conversations because I’ve caught myself doing it. I think the problem is that so few of these guys are decent communicators that we’re all being gaslighted into thinking that this must be how dating app communication works and that we need to adjust our expectations. But that doesn’t really make sense. In real life, with people we’re not considering dating (think co-workers, neighbors, acquaintances), we don’t question whether we can “make it work” with people like this; we just avoid them, or at the very least we hold them at arm’s length. In any case, we don’t waste mental time and energy and emotional labor trying to nudge them toward appropriate adult behavior. Why would we? These people aren’t our responsibility.
The men sending you stupid messages and engaging you in pointless conversations are not your responsibility either. Block them and move on.
We Need to Talk About Jeff
I met Jeff on Hinge this weekend. Single dad, works in finance, no red flags in his profile, non-drinker like me, very fit, very good looking. He complimented my profile and asked me if I would like to meet for coffee. I told him that I might like to do that, but that I didn’t know anything about him. He responded to that about as well as any man could: First, he said he thought I was smart to be cautious, and that he imagined online dating could be pretty awful for women. His messages were thoughtful, articulate, and grammatically correct – yay!! He gave me his full name so that I could background check him or verify other ways. I immediately found him on LinkedIn, and then on his company’s website; he was clearly exactly who he said he was. I even read online reviews from clients who’d worked with him, and they practically glowed: “he’s kind, he’s honest, he had our best interests at heart, he’s trustworthy,” etc.
We exchanged a few more messages, and then I said I’d be willing to meet for coffee, but before we did, I wanted to be sure he truly wanted to pursue a connection two hours away (I live in Sheboygan; he lives in Madison). This was his response:
“In reality, it would have to be a pretty special connection for that to happen. I didn’t look at the distance until halfway through our chat. Chances are slim that I would make it your direction, but if you happen to travel to Madison, I would love to get coffee.”
Jeff has just told us everything we need to know about Jeff; it’s in his own words: “Chances are slim that I would make it your direction, but if you happen to travel to Madison, I would love to get coffee.”
This is what dating Jeff would be like: on Jeff’s terms, convenient for Jeff, and opportunistic. Jeff is saying, “If you magically materialize in front of me due to no effort on my part, I will be happy to engage with you; but I’m not going to go out of my way.”
Being willing to meet halfway (literally or figuratively) is about the most baseline requirement for any viable relationship. Jeff isn’t willing to meet halfway for coffee. For coffee that was his idea.
To be clear: I don’t blame him at all for not wanting to start a relationship with someone two hours away; I don’t really want that either. The right way to respond, therefore, would be to say something like this: “Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize we lived that far away. I’m not in a place to take on a long-distance relationship right now, but it’s been nice chatting with you, and I wish you all the best!” That’s what I would have done in his position. I wouldn’t have just assumed it was okay to kick off a relationship in such a lopsided way. Doing so reveals a level of entitlement and ego that doesn’t bode well.
I actually do go to Madison for work on a fairly regular basis, and I usually have down time between meetings while I’m there, so I could easily reason that since I’m going there anyway, I might as well meet up with him and see what happens. Who knows, maybe once he MEETS me, he’ll be so taken with me that he WILL want to start a long-distance relationship. And anyway, What’s to lose? He seems like a really good guy.
Let’s break that down:
“Maybe once he MEETS me, he’ll be so taken with me that he WILL want to start a long-distance relationship.”
First of all, this is unlikely to happen. I’m a realist, and this sounds like a plotline from a rom-com. But let’s let ourselves be that delusional for a minute and say that it happens exactly like this: He actually does fall head over heels for me and decides that distance means nothing in the face of his fascination with me (I’m laughing as I type this, but for the sake of argument I’m going to keep going). Then what? I’ve landed a super-inconvenient long-term relationship with a guy I already know is selfish and rude? Awesome.
“What’s to lose?”
I don’t know – an hour? Two hours? Whatever it costs in gas to drive to wherever is most convenient for him to meet? The opportunity to do something or meet someone else? My dignity? My credibility in leading a project about haystack burning? It seems like there might actually be a lot to lose.
“He seems like a really good guy.”
For sure. Just ask him, lol. He’s such a good guy that women just flock to him from across the state for the opportunity to drink coffee in his presence.
Anyway, I blocked him.
Clarifying and Extending the Rules . . .
I addressed in Rule #6 how to determine when to block based upon messaging interaction, and I addressed in Rule #8 how to avoid getting sucked into an AOD (“attraction of deprivation”). I realized today that there’s an intersection of those things that I haven’t addressed yet, so here goes:
What if you’re messaging with someone and it’s going *really well* but then suddenly stops with no explanation? He’s been doing everything right: he’s witty; he’s polite and respectful; he’s read your profile and referenced it; he actually asks you questions about yourself and then engages with your responses—he can truly hold an interesting conversation. And then . . . he’s gone. What do you do in this case?
I think it depends upon a couple things. If this interaction has been going on for days and you feel like you’re really getting to know him and that this is out of character, it might be worthwhile to send a message that says something like, “You’ve gone quiet, which I’m assuming means you’ve met someone or moved on. I enjoyed chatting with you, and I wish you all the best!” [I would never be this generous; more on that in a minute, lol.] Then, on the VERY OFF CHANCE that he has some legitimate reason to have not responded to you, you’ve given him a chance to clear things up and keep you engaged.
If you don’t hear anything from him after that (for whatever – a day or two maybe), then it’s time to block. Or if he messages and says “Hey sorry, been busy” with no further explanation for the radical change in communication, it is also time to block.
The whole “I’ve been too busy to text” thing is a fairy tale, like being “afraid of commitment.” Nobody is too busy to text. So if you get the “hey sorry been so busy” response that just means he’s not into you.
This is how I handle this situation: If I’ve been messaging with someone and it’s going really well and then just stops, I give it 72 hours and then block (without comment or warning).
You might ask: What’s wrong with staying connected to him? See Rule #8. Read it twice; it’s super important.
Okay, next item: My “Dissertation Syndrome” on the “Seven Deadly Syn(drome)s” post:
A group member posted this comment this morning:
“I do want to say that I’m not sure “dissertation syndrome” fits on this list. I have several friends who had very long profiles who then met people they exchanged very very long emails with before falling in love and getting married. If you are a wall of text kind of person, be a wall of text kind of person! It’s a way to authentically burn the haystack. After all, it’s not our job *not* to be offputting to *anyone*… it’s our job to only offput the people who aren’t our ideal matches.”
That’s fair. Personally, I’m still not willing to risk it, just because I always prefer to error on the side of brevity knowing I can say more later (you can always say something, but you can never UNsay something). So, if reading a lot of text and sending long messages back and forth is something you actively want, it might actually be really smart to intentionally write a long profile – and as the person who posted said, it’ll serve as a haystack-burner to chase off the guys who don’t want that.
The 7 Deadly Syn(drome)s of Dating Profile Writing
Instruction syndrome (overt or implied): This refers to one of our early rules, which is that you shouldn’t tell people what to do. When men do this, it sounds like, “You need to be equally comfortable in jeans or a cocktail dress,” or “You need to be affectionate, fit, and open-minded.” When women do this, it tends to sound like, “You need to be funny, financially secure, and respectful.” None of this is appealing to anyone. To be clear: You SHOULD have these criteria in mind, and you should honor whatever your criteria are. There are two dangers associated with Instruction Syndrome: The first is that you simply turn people away. The second is that you’re basically telling someone how to *present* to you, not how to *be*. People already are who they are. If someone is disrespectful, all you’re doing is tipping him off that that’s what you want so that he can pretend to be it (for a while; it'll break down fast, but not until after he’s wasted your time). If he already is a respectful person, then there’s no need to tell him to be respectful.
Picture frame person syndrome: You know how when you buy a picture frame there’s a person or a couple or a family that’s so generic you wouldn’t recognize them if they were in front of you two minutes later? They’re pleasant looking, sure, but not memorable or appealing in any kind of sustainable way. This is how that translates to dating app text: “I like sunsets, happiness, good food, and friendship.” EVERYone likes those things. It’s fine to include a list of your likes, but it needs to be concrete and specific in order to do anything for you. Here’s an example: “I like dark humor, specifically if it’s written by David Sedaris; going to amusement parks but riding nothing scarier than a small ferris wheel; walking on the beach if there are no other people on the beach and the temperature is between 70 and 75 degrees Fahrenheit; and local honeycrisp apples.”
I think the reason people fall into Picture Frame Syndrome is that they’re trying to appeal to a wide audience while not risking offending anyone, but that’s contrary to burning the haystack. Use your text to weed people OUT, while simultaneously being specific enough to draw the *right* people IN. For example, if someone who also loves David Sedaris reads that sentence, he’s likely to connect in a way he wouldn’t if you had a generic profile.
Hostility syndrome: Self-explanatory, but a pervasive problem. With men it tends to allude to women who’ve cheated on or left them (as though you’re being punished for someone else’s sins before you even meet them). With women it tends to sound like, “Don’t even think about swiping right on me if you’re [xyz],” or, “I will not tolerate disrespect, sexual come-ons, or men who don’t make at least 100K a year.” Again, you can have and uphold all these criteria, but this kind of language doesn’t belong in any dating profile.
Cool Girl syndrome: First, you have to understand the reference: https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/13306276-gone-girl
Okay: don’t pretend to be this girl (unless you are, but I’m assuming you’re not). Three reasons: One, it’ll attract men you don’t want; Two, it wastes everyone’s time; Three, it’s dishonest. Here’s how it sounds in dating profiles: “Not looking for anything serious, just wanna have some fun,” or “I’m easy-going, laid-back, down for whatever, and fun to be with.” Again, if these things are all true, then go ahead, but if they’re not, then you’re just misrepresenting yourself.
Presumptive planning syndrome: I see this a lot in profiles, of both genders, and it sounds like this: “We’ll go for walks in the sunset and then cap off the evening with dinner under the stars before falling into each others’ arms.” I don’t know; maybe it’s just me, but I always find this off-putting. I suppose if whatever you lay out lines up perfectly with what someone else wants to do it could work, but I think most people read this as overly-controlling and presumptuous.
Third person syndrome: You don’t want your dating profile to sound disembodied or like a newspaper personals ad from 1983. Here’s third person syndrome: “Likes dining out and cats. Easy to laugh, easy to please, hard to ruffle.” I’m not saying you can *never* use the third person—it can be an economical way to write, and a lot of the apps really limit your word allowance. However, you want to sound like you’re introducing yourself as a human, not writing an ad pitch for a product.
Dissertation syndrome: Self-explanatory, and a lot of the apps have taken this decision out of people’s hands. If you *are* using an app that gives you tons of space, I still recommend limiting your profile text to about 200 words on the long end. People don’t like to encounter a long wall of text, and you don’t want to give people the impression that dating you would be like attending a lecture. Save some of it for the actual dates.
Five Profile Starters that are Non-Starters
“I don’t really know how this site works, so send me a message . . .”
“New to this site and I don’t really do online stuff . . .”
“Really bad at talking about myself, so . . .”
“Never know what to write on these sites . . .”
“Not a subscriber, but . . .”
I recommend blocking all these dudes. In my opinion and experience, they are telling one of two things (or maybe both of these things):
“I’m lazy”
“I’m stupid.”
“I’m both lazy and stupid.” [I know the word “stupid” is not PC right now, but I’m a Gen X-er and I’m doing it anyway for the sake of clarity, haha!!]
Also, just think about what they’re really saying:
“I don’t know how this site works.”
My golden retriever could figure out Match.com (or any of the other ones). I’m not sure what this move is, other than an excuse to sit back and do nothing or a pathetic attempt at playing it cool, as in, “I’m a devil-may-care dude, so if you see anything you like here, Ladies, you better figure out how to appeal to me since I can’t figure it out.” Another possibility is that this guy has a case of “Helpless Executive Syndrome.” (shamelessly sharing my own link – I’m “Jill Bystrom”; I write these things during faculty meetings to entertain myself)
“New to this site and I don’t really do online stuff . . .”
Nobody in 2023 “doesn’t really do online stuff.” Don’t make me cite statistics for how many men there are on Pornhub right now, lol.
“Really bad at talking about myself, so . . .”
I think this guy is just lazy. Or he thinks he’s mysterious. Exhausting, either way. Hard pass.
“Never know what to write on these sites . . .”
The sites literally prompt you, and your subject matter is yourself. Two possibilities here: Laziness, as above; Or, he truly CAN’T figure out what to write (again, about himself, in response to direct prompts): Stupid.
“Not a subscriber, but . . .”
He’s either not serious, or he truly can’t afford to pay up to 30 dollars per month. Might not be his fault, but that also means he can’t afford to date YOU. 😊